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Not my best self

  • I have not been a good friend lately, infact every relationship I share with people has been on a strain. I dread coming online because there are many people to keep up with. The thought of hanging out seems exhausting so I cancel appointments. My babies in school are even checking on me than I should be doing for them. I feel tired and weak from my brain to my bones.
    I don’t even call again. I’m trying to keep up with birthdays and anniversaries. I try to show up at work with a smile and to find the zeal that once followed. If I had my way, I would lock up in an faraway island on a retreat, Unfortunately Nigeria doesn’t have one and it would take years explaining to my Mother.
    I’m shy of meeting new people because I haven’t done so well nurturing my already existing relationships/partnerships. I’m disturbed when I post on my socials lest people feel like I am ignoring them.
    In all these, I have not been my good self at all. My imperfections are constantly in my face. My confidence is nowhere to be found. I second guess my every move. I question the reason for my existence. I cannot even share or place what exactly is wrong. 

    I told God today in church that I have lost my peace- He must restore it, because this is not me. It seems like I am threading on needles. It’s funny, because a lot of people reading this won’t believe. I package myself well but inside, there a a deep void. Then I realized after Service today that I have been self sabotaging myself by not asking for help, trying to be perfect, rejecting praise, trying to let people see my worth, saying ‘yes’ to everything to ‘please’, putting my needs on hold, lack of quality time in God’s Word etc.
    I am sharing this to free myself. I recall a line from a book I read earlier which says “Hiding shame is in itself a form of shame”. I am laying all my cards on the table. Angel isn’t an Angel right now… lol, now I am laughing at myself. This is surely a stupid phase. God will surely restore me. One thing I love about mysef is- I show up broken and hurt with a smile. Hope never dies in my soul. I journal all the goodness of God in my life and I write my setbacks- this reminds me of how far I have come in life. It still gives me a sense of purpose.
    I am glad that there are people who understand or lie that they do. I know you don’t. Thank you for accommodating this side of me. I am reminded once more, that the well which water is drawn from needs to be filled by the rain too. I resolve to draw a comeback plan for myself; every negative feeling outlined above would take a reversal except some like asking for help seems life threatening, LOL.
    However, I need you to still trust me alright😌, not with your heart please🌚 any other thing I can handle😂, and please a tingly benefit of doubt would do! Thank you!!! Now I’m laughing…gosh, writing is therapeutic.

    I am constantly trying to be perfect for you and for myself. Thank you for loving me regardless.